I read in yesterday’s Chicago Tribune that chipped manicures are now “in.” 

 Who wouldn’t read an article with a headline that contained such news?

 Apparently, young celebs and wannabe celebs are embracing the “peeling and chipped” aesthetic because it shows that they “could care less.”

 Let me get this straight.  One makes the appointment, shows up, pays and tips in advance (de-rigeur since at completion, one’s nails will not be dry enough to dig into wallet), gets soaked, scraped, filed, shaped, oiled, lotioned, cleaned, and polished—then sits for thirty more minutes or so while “I’m Not Really A Waitress” red dries to a perfect sheen–

 Then, instead of opening the door with your chin and driving home, steering with your elbows, you just let the sucker get all chipped up so it will look like you don’t care?

 My first thought was, perhaps like yours, why not just skip the whole thing in the first place?  When I ranted about the double narcisissm of this to Mr. Ampolo, he, as usual, helped me see beyond my knee jerk crankiness about the affectation which to me says, “I can afford a manicure, I can take the time for a manicure, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t really care all that much about the manicure and above all, I don’t want anyone to think that I care that much about my manicure.” 

 Mr. Ampolo suggested we think outside the box.  There’s a whole new market out there for the entrepreneurial sorts we know.  After all, isn’t Ampolo about sharing ideas?  Here are some that I certainly hope someone takes and runs with—

 Yeah, I had eggs for breakfast, what’s it to you?  Pre-stained ties, for the junior executive who has to wear a suit, but needs to prove he just doesn’t care about a promotion.

 Unwashed Hair in a Can!  Sure you might like the feeling of washing your hair until it’s squeaky clean during your morning shower, but do you want everyone to think you’re shiny clean for them?  Do you want them to think you care what they think?  Spray in the grease and dirt that will show you are above the petty stares of others.

 Pre-Workout Workout Tee.  Put this baby on and you will look and smell as funky as if you’d run two hours through a rainforest before you even leave the house. Everyone will think you’ve been working out for hours…wait a minute.  This product shows you do care what people think…yeah, but if it’s about working out…and looking bad while you do it…and not caring that you look bad…this one actually has it all.  Affectation, narcissism, and sweat stains.  Mr. Ampolo and I might take this one and market it…

We’ll play you out with–who else?–Nine Inch Nails.

Mr. and Mrs Ampolo have been teaching a writing workshop at a public library. Our mantra is simple: “Write every day!”

At our workshops, we give participants writing exercises.  Today’s exercise went over very well.  If you’re an aspiring writer, you might want to try it.  

1. Take a few minutes and write down ten objects that are important/meaningful to you. (Objects, not people or ideas.)

2. Cross out five.

3. Cross out two more.

4. Select one of the three remaining objects and for the next 15 minutes write about it (or be inspired by it to write about something). 

Among the objects that our participants wrote about:  purse, coffee pot, tree, nylon bag, crossword puzzle, mother’s ring, Scrabble tiles, Mayan ruins, and son’s bicycle.

Share with us the object you select and, if you wish, the story behind it.

“Words are all we have really.”   

George Carlin, 1937-2008

We note with sorrow the passing of the gifted comedian George Carlin.  Carlin was a superb wordsmith who often noted the absurdity of our use of language.  His “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” routine remains a classic.   The New York Times offered a fine obituary by critic/author Mel Watkins today and a nice appreciation by editor Charles McGrath.  Because, however, Carlin paid such attention to the written and spoken word, I’m going to quibble with one portion of the obit.  It reads: 

“Despite the longevity of his career and his problematic personal life, Mr. Carlin remained one of the most original and productive comedians in show business. ‘It’s his lifelong affection for language and passion for truth that continue to fuel his performances,’ a critic observed of the comedian when he was in his mid-60s. (italics mine)

Mr. Ampolo becomes Mr. Purist here.  Why isn’t the critic who offered the observation identified?  This isn’t Robert Novak protecting Richard Armitage after the latter spilled the beans. (Of course, Plame is the real one whose identity should have been protected.) My only guess is that Mr. Watkins might be quoting himself.  I’m not sure that’s kosher.  

Maybe I have too much time on my hands today.  I went so far as to email the Times’ public editor and ask him what’s up and what the paper’s policy is with respect to such quotations.  If you’ve read this far, stay tuned!

Product Placement

Manhunt 2

U.S. Cluster Bombs

Doormats

Samurai Swords

Misleading Cotton Ads

Osama Bin Laden’s son Omar

AND OUR MYSTERY GUEST:

It’s Mrs. Ampolo writing to you, once again, from her summer kitchen.  I’ve managed to get you through a summer breakfast with a cool way to eat oatmeal and through cocktail hour with a beautiful and delicious pink drink—and some might say I’ve done my duty since we can all agree that breakfast and cocktails are the two essential meals of summer.

 I think, though, we better find one more way to use your freezer rather than your oven in summer food preparation. 

 Here’s Summer Supper—vegetarian friendly

 Can you boil a pot of water?  Boil one.  Cook any kind of pasta you have on hand…from whole wheat spaghetti to spinach rotini.  While it’s cooking for its 8 to 10 minutes, take out all your bags of frozen vegetables and make a mix—broccoli and cauliflower are especially nice.  This is a dish to keep you cool—so even if you have fresh produce, save that for another meal.  Frozen veggies are essential to the process here.  You can slice up any scallions you might have and add some minced garlic for the “fresh” ingredients..  Drain the pasta into a large bowl and throw in the frozen veggies, scallion, garlic—and any other easily wiltable produce like spinach or arugula. 

 Toss until the pasta cools and the veggies cook.

 Dress the mess o’ pasta with a combo of olive oil, balsamic vinegar and a good soy sauce.  If you store your nuts in the freezer (and you should—they go rancid fast, especially in the summer), you can pull those guys out too and throw a few handfuls into your toaster oven—briefly—they can burn fast.  Toss them on top and this pasta salad is fit for company.  And you’ve barely raised a finger or the temperature even one degree in your kitchen. And if you’re unfriendly to vegetarians, add some leftover chicken or something.  Improvise.

 Remember, if you can’t stand the heat…get the heck out of your kitchen and come to mine.

By the way, due to a bad winter in Europe, it may be difficult to find just the right pasta.  Oh for the good old days as recalled in this vintage video.